For those unfamiliar with the books and original trilogy of films, “orcs were the primary foot soldiers of the Dark Lords’ armies. Physically, they were short in stature and humanoid in shape, with stretched and twisted skin.” To put it lightly, they wouldn’t be People Magazine’s first choice for Sexiest Man Alive. That would be John Legend, who took home the crown for 2019, via People.

Aside from being not incredibly sexy, the requirements for LOTR’s casting call are pretty straightforward. Per the Independent, the casting calls “appeal to people under 5ft or over 6ft 5in with “character faces” and “hairy hairy people of all ages and ethnicities.”

Also sought after are “stocky mean-looking bikers” and “circus performers who can juggle.” So if you’ve worked as a carny or rode a Harley, you’re in luck. The ad continues, pulling no punches: “Do you have a few wrinkles? Have you been out in that sunshine? Is your face a little ugh?”

If you answered yes to any of the above, then you should apply — especially if you “look like a leather handbag…” Their words, not ours, folks. 

But there’s one “orcish type” to rule them all: The ad concludes by desperately seeking “HAIR HAIR HAIR -– if you have natural red hair, white hair, or lots and lots of freckles,” then you’re practically a shoe-in. Pallid gingers around the world rejoice — this is the first time since Ron Weasley’s casting you’ve had a chance to shine like the beautiful sunbeams you are.