The 1986 World Series champion New York Mets put together their own rap song, “Get Metsmerized.” Its badness is truly metsmerizing.

Everyone who takes a turn at the mic either sounds bored to death or hilariously unsure of their rapping skills. Darryl Strawberry’s verse in particular might be the stiffest ever, with more awkward pauses and filler sounds than should be legal: “Thank you George, you’re a classy guy / With your black bat *crack of the bat* you know we sure rely *echoes, cheesy synth sound* / You know, California is where, I’m from / But, for New York I, hit home runs!” It’s half words and half killing time while thinking of words.

A woman eventually steps up to the mic, but she sounds like she’d rather be anywhere else. While she may be rapping “Team’s real hot / stand up proud / do the Wave / shout out loud,” you don’t feel as if she truly cares whether you shout or not.

A later verse sounds like it was rapped in one breath, but not in a cool, Busta Rhymes way. It was more like the player talked the whole way through, just to get it over with. Rafael Santana, meanwhile, doesn’t even begin to hit the beat with his verse. To cap off the cringe, the woman’s rap gets repeated later on by a guy — presumably, she quit halfway through the one take they bothered to record.

Everyone knows the “Super Bowl Shuffle,” but apparently that wasn’t enough for William “The Refrigerator” Perry, who also recorded a solo shot called “The Refrigerator Man.” For whatever reason, he kicked off this silly sports song with what sounds like the Jaws theme mixed with Psycho shower scene strings. He really wanted you to fear the Fridge, apparently.

Now, Perry actually has a decent flow for a rapping athlete. He hits the beat most of the time, and his opening verse, about how people laughed at him for being fat until they saw he could play, is actually kind of inspirational. But then we get a female chorus bellowing “THEY CALL HIM THE FRIDGE” in a hilariously cringey manner, and we’re no longer inspired. They’re trying way too hard when singing about a guy named after a foodbox.

Much of the video is footage of Perry dominating on the field, and many of the lyrics are standard “I’m awesome” fare. One line, however, stands out as one of the weirdest in not just sports-rap history, but rap history period. Perry boasts, “I eat linemen for lunch, I eat quarterbacks for dinner,” which sounds fine. Then we get “To wash it all down, I drink paint thinner,” which sounds atrocious. It’s certainly a less predictable route than rhyming “dinner” with “winner,” but sometimes predictability works, especially when the alternative is bragging about chugging poison.

Today’s dynastic Patriots, with five championships and the tough-as-nails Bill Belichick leading the charge, wouldn’t be caught dead on a list like this. The 1985 Pats, on the other hand, definitely did, with “New England, The Patriots, and We,” a direct response to the Bears’ “Super Bowl Shuffle” that you won’t catch Belichick humming on his worst day. Gronk might, though.

The video for the grammar-hostile “New England, The Patriots, and We” starts with a Boston newscaster holding a gun to a stuffed bear’s head, which he probably couldn’t get away with today. We then get the actual song, performed mainly by what appear to be actual singers. This actually makes its lukewarm ’80s badness even worse because at least when players sing terribly, you can excuse it because they’re athletes. When your job is to sing and you can’t do it, something’s wrong.

Local TV and news personalities join in halfway through, as do hordes of lip-syncing Bostonians. This does add a nice community feel to the song, though it doesn’t make the experience any less cheesy. Plus, a huge chunk of the lyrics are just “New England, the Patriots and We,” followed by something rhyming with “we.” Sample lines include, “We’ll hang the bear from the Liberty Tree” and “We’ll beat the Bears 100-3.” Thank goodness they didn’t, if only so this awful song wasn’t right.

“Who Dey” (as in “Who dey think can beat dem Bengals? Nooooooobody!”) is a pretty famous Cincinnati fan chant. It’s so popular, in fact, that it became a team fight song, recorded for the 1988 Bengals team that faced the San Francisco 49ers in the Super Bowl. Spoiler alert: The Niners beat dem Bengals.

Just because “Who Dey” is a famous chant, though, doesn’t make the “Who Dey Rap” any good. It’s mostly players badly rapping, or so we assume. You can honestly barely hear the vocals over the tune’s incredibly loud tin-can beat, but if the lyrics are anything like the ones in other sports team songs, we’re probably not missing much.

One thing we do hear loud and clear, though, is a player singing incredibly soulfully and beautifully. Or, more likely, he was lip-syncing to somebody else singing incredibly soulfully and beautifully. The verse talks about how Bengals fans should “bring this jungle to the ground,” which seems just plain wrong. For one thing, bringing a jungle to the ground sounds like deforestation, which is terrible for the environment and just plain wrong. Besides, these are Bengals, animals that live in the jungle. Why would they want their home brought to the ground? We’re starting to suspect whoever wrote this song didn’t pay attention to details.

This song isn’t performed by a whole team, but rather one guy. Mark Levy, long-time head coach of the Buffalo Bills, went on the Empire Sports Network in 1994 to do something unexpected: sing. Apparently, he told his Bills that if they won that week’s game, he would write them a fight song and sing it on the air. They won, so he composed “Go Bills.”

It’s not a rap or a brick of ’80s cheese but rather an old-fashioned football fight song. The lyrics are standard fare for the genre: “Go bills, let’s win this game / We’ll raise up all our voices high / Our Bills team spirit will not die / So go Bills, fight Bills go / C’mon let’s win for Buffalo.” Levy implores the studio audience to sing along, and they do, albeit with all the enthusiasm of a group of Christmas carolers who just want to come in from the cold.

After the song ends, the show’s host suggests “Go Bills” is better than “Victory March,” the famous Notre Dame fight song so beloved even people who hate Notre Dame like the tune. Opinions are fun! The real question is whether “Go Bills” helped the team go. Considering they’ve won exactly one playoff game since 1994, the answer appears to be “not yet.”