“Sorry, I thought I Was a Shark” and Other Funny Things People Said Under Anesthesia
Like C-3PO From “The Empire Strikes Back”
It was German field marshal Moltke the Elder, alive during the nineteenth century, who delivered a quote that is often paraphrased thusly: “No plan survives first contact with the enemy.” It basically means you can plan all you want, but it’s never going to go the way you think.
The woman in this story understands that fact as much as one can and made sure to have a surgery backup, just in case. Of course, it doesn’t seem like a GOOD plan, but it’s still a plan and we have to give her props for coming up with it.
I Swear I’ve Never Met Her
We’re going to go on the assumption that this was all just the medicines talking, and that the girl hadn’t actually seen the anesthesiologist on Tinder. Maybe it was someone that resembled him.
Even if he was innocent, he probably got a few side glances from the other people in the operating room. It’s best not to make your anesthesiologist nervous, people. At least the girl gave him a compliment before fully falling asleep.
This is Just Bragging
This is a recurring thing throughout this article – when you are under anesthetic, your brain resorts to the most basic things. The things that are at the core of your being. This means that this person thinks a lot about how cute her boyfriend’s behind is. Even while she couldn’t think straight.
Even while in a room with three male doctors. Was this bragging, or was this making sure everyone knew she was taken? By someone with a great posterior?
Not the Answer She Expected
No, hold on, we can figure this one out. So, let’s go on the basis that this is a truthful answer to the question. People generally like Yoda, but that’s not much of an answer. On the other hand, people LOVE the Baby Yoda creature from “The Mandalorian.” That explains the “little Yoda” part of the answer.
But what do the shoes have to do with it? Shoes protect the feet…feet are part of the body…the body contains the mind and the soul…so the stepdad is not only saying he loves her, but he loves all of her! There. We figured it out.
Nobody Asks for It, Really
Waking up in a hospital bed is never fun. You’ve got tubes stuck in places, pieces of tape stuck to your arms, and you’re usually wearing a little gown that doesn’t cover much. We can’t fault this guy for pitching an anesthetic-fueled fit as soon as his mind is able to comprehend whatever is going on.
He doesn’t even remember it, but he was not happy about it. He shouted, he raved, and he pleaded. The whiplash from shouting to talking in a much more normal voice got everyone else in the room laughing, according to the story.
Speaking in Tongues
This is a really interesting story to us. The person telling it is definitely English and even has a specific accent. So why would he or she start to speak in Welsh, a language that is QUITE different from English? No doubt there have been plenty of times the storyteller was exposed to the language, but why choose it to communicate to the nurses?
Was it just a Welsh accent or was it the full language itself? The end seems to say it’s the latter since the person also sleep-talks in Welsh.
Well, He’s Not Wrong
Anesthesia is a little bit of a truth serum. You tend to be a little freer with what you say. In this story, the person delivering wisdom is technically telling the truth, but it’s not like this is mind-blowing information.
We’re glad that during surgeries – which are stressful times for everyone involved – a natural part of the stuff people take provides some moments of happiness. It’s perfectly in balance. The humor sometimes even lasts much longer.
Confusing the Nurses
We imagine that everybody was confused by this experience. The nurses because they didn’t know why the guy kept talking about his daughter. The man because he thought his daughter was in the room with him the whole time. The daughter the most, because the nurses came into the waiting room, took one look at her, and started laughing.
Once everything was cleared up, however, it’s the perfect story to tell at holidays. Even if the guy in question was embarrassed when he found out, he probably started laughing along with the rest of the people in the room.
That’s Just Too Much
So many people have had their wisdom teeth removed – it’s one of the most common surgical procedures done. That’s good for us since we get so many wonderful stories like this one. Well, wonderful for most of us. The lady in the other car probably thought she was in a Zombie movie.
We can’t really blame her for not wanting to spend too much time near the person who was drooling blood by the quart and giving her a gruesome grin at the same time. Hopefully, she wasn’t running late for something, because that would have been an interesting explanation.
A Poor Choice of Words
While it was clear for anyone who wasn’t full of sleepy loopy drugs – and older than nine – what the surgeon was saying, this poor child had the fright or his or her life. And when you’re a child who has just been given such a big scare, what do you do? Look to Mother for help.
But this time, Mother was cheerfully waving goodbye, which we have to imagine didn’t really help out the child’s state of mind. Thankfully, sweet sleep came moments later, and according to the story, the patient didn’t even remember the interaction until reminded of it later.
Come Back, I Love You
We’ve all run into that person. You know who it is – the one that got away, we would have done everything we could to keep that person around. This might not exactly be this story, but in the weakened emotional state that ketamine gives those who take it, everything is a lot more dramatic.
This patient was so enamored with the hospital worker, she started bawling when the worker left to get her ice chips. Sometimes you just have to get a good cry out to make yourself feel better. We hope that’s the kind of thing the patient’s family teases her about.
Why Do I Taste Wontons?
The best part about this story is how perfectly normal the guy was up until he got to the buffet. He could move properly, even converse properly. Yet he remembers nothing! That’s the hallmark of a solid, well-trained mind. He was totally out of it, and nobody could tell.
How many of us are walking around in our daily lives exactly the same – seemingly awake, but with no memory? Probably not many, unless we’ve all been hit with an anesthesia bomb. Thankfully, there’s no such thing. But if there was, would we even remember it?!
A Bad Start to a Childhood
This story recounts a woman about to deliver via a C-section, which of course requires an anesthetic. Whether she was losing control of her faculties or actually meant to say this is up in the air and we’ll never know, but it does raise some questions.
It’s possible the lady just took a big step toward ruining her marriage, but maybe she didn’t! She was about to fall asleep, so maybe she had no idea what she was saying. We don’t even know if she had a brother-in-law, her husband could have been an only child for all we know.
That’s Way Easier Than Everyone Said
Do we technically time travel every time we fall asleep and then wake up six, seven, eight hours later? No, of course not, our brains are working that whole time. Pretty important stuff, too. Repairing our bodies, sifting through memories to keep the important ones, and much more. So no, it isn’t time travel, even if it does sometimes feel like it.
If you get hit with a dose of general anesthetic, however, it does often feel like you snapped your fingers and jumped ahead a few hours. This patient knows the feeling. Scientists have been trying to figure it out for decades, and all they needed to do was get wisdom teeth removed.
Ready for Takeoff
When a family member is coming out of anesthesia, it’s always a blast. Whether it’s a parent, a child, a sibling, or anything else, we should all be ready to record the funny stuff that comes out of someone’s mouth.
This story is a classic example. Yet, sorry lady, you don’t look much like an airplane if you just have your lips puckered. No doubt this one still gets brought up pretty frequently, and the child in question is likely happy to tell new friends about this. We can’t blame anyone involved – it’s a great story with a physical element for maximum humor.
The Phantom is Spitting Hot Fire
“The Phantom of the Opera” is a classic musical beloved by millions, based on a novel of the same name from 1910. It’s popular enough for everybody to know a little something about the story and the music, even if it’s only the main themes.
The patient from this story almost certainly knows them even better, since his or her mind didn’t have to go very far to find something to sing as the sleep gas started to take effect. But, it looks like it might be time to hit the books since the patient then had to resort to rapping incoherent lines.
It’s a Good Point
You’d think a doctor of this person’s caliber would be more careful than that, but sometimes wheelchairs can become unwieldy, especially depending on the person. Thankfully, the patient had woken up enough to realize he should keep his limbs away from things like door frames or other dangerous elements. Sometimes even doctors need to be reminded of best practices when it comes to patients.
We’re sure that doesn’t happen very often. This story is a bit of an oddity since it was the patient speaking straight facts, instead of pretending to be an inanimate object or drawing a peculiar picture or something like that.
Since You Asked So Nicely
Talk about going above and beyond. When you’re put under (even if it isn’t enough to knock you out) you lose a lot of motor control. Somehow, this patient not only understood that his rear end needed a little tending to, but that he had too many medications in his system to even attempt the maneuver.
He needed help from the doc and decided to just mention it off-handedly. We can neither confirm nor deny that the doctor did indeed scratch the patient’s bottom, but it seems cruel not to do so after the patient so kindly brought the topic up.
Does He Have a Nursing Degree?
Scrub up, Jackson, we need your help here. Even simple wisdom teeth surgeries can become dangerous if something goes wrong, which is why it’s nice to have all the help you can get. And while the King of Pop might not have been in the room with the other professionals, he was still helping everything out with some unforgettable pop hits.
It soothed the person who was going under, and it gave the professionals something to groove to while they were getting their work done.
He’s Going to Regret Saying That
We don’t think this kid’s mom took this one to heart, especially since it was accompanied by uproarious laughter. There are thousands of videos out on the internet of kids saying funny stuff while they’re falling asleep or coming out of anesthesia, and we doubt any of those sayings were taken at face value.
It certainly wasn’t a nice thing to say to your mom if she’s taking care of you, and hopefully, the mom used it for a little bit of motherly guilt after the anesthesia has worn off.
I Have to Help Them!
Sometimes you just have that thing in life that you know you’re destined to do, come hell or high water. It didn’t matter what this medical professional was going to answer, this future undertaker’s path was set.
He or she was going to fly to take that embalming practical the next day, surgery or no surgery. Of course, there wasn’t even an opportunity for the dentist to respond, so who knows what the answer was going to be? As far as we know, there’s no risk involved, other than rare complications. We get the feeling that nothing was going to stop the person who was telling this story.
I’m a Big Boy
A lot of people don’t like being talked down to. If you’re a young adult, you want to prove that you’re worth your space in the adult world, and that means deflecting things that make you seem childish.
It’s no surprise this person pointed out his size. At nearly six feet he isn’t exactly a little one. Likely the surgeon was referring to age, since to those who have been around the block for a while, twenty-one years old is still relatively young. Yet the patient was still able to be polite about the way he said it, creating yet another wonderful memory that everybody except him will remember.
Talking With His Hands
There are a couple of stories of people speaking in other languages after waking up from anesthesia, even if they don’t really know how to speak those languages. We’re sure there are plenty with people speaking their first language in a place where it isn’t common.
In this story, someone used his hands to communicate, even when he didn’t have to. Not only was he aware he could talk (though with some difficulty), but he probably didn’t have nearly enough training in ASL to properly communicate. In addition, none of the nurses could understand him. Sometimes silence is golden.
The Anesthesia Whisperer
Harsh. It’s pretty common for a dental surgeon to give the teeth back to the person to which they belong, but we guess there was some reason it couldn’t happen here. The story is funny in its own way, but how about that partner, who could easily translate something that doesn’t even have discernible syllables? That’s a real skill.
We also want to give props to the person who actually went under, for at least trying to say something that makes sense right after waking up.
It Had to Be You
If you’ve had surgery, there’s a likelihood that you had to be uncovered in front of a medical professional. It depends on the type of procedure you had, and how long you had to stay in the hospital, and whether you needed much help doing things like using the bathroom.
The person telling this story had the bad luck of needing to have surgery and getting an old coworker as the nurse for the surgery. For some reason, the patient was all about the fact that the coworker would see him or her naked, and that’s the very last thing he or she said before zonking out.
I Trusted You!
There are a couple of things to consider for this story. First, the age of the patient. If it was an adult, then that’s one thing, but what if it’s a kid? Did an eleven-year-old drop the F-bomb to a medical professional? We’re actually going with the younger age bit — at least under eighteen.
Most people are aware that the gas mask they place on you isn’t ONLY oxygen, so this very well might be the first time he or she has gone under. Once they have it the first time, they know what to expect.
Spreading Some Holiday Cheer
It’s obvious why this person was obsessed with singing this classic holiday song – it was right around Christmas, and there were probably decorations all over.
Music is a powerful thing – we all have these songs we love to listen to when we’re sad. We sing them in the car, we listen to them while doing chores. They’re made to help us feel better, which is one possible reason why this patient took to singing as much as possible. Even the nurses got into the fun, joining in with the song and spreading some good cheer all the way through the hospital.
The Devil Can’t Count Backwards. Everyone Knows That
We have here a potent twofer of excellent stories. The second is a little simpler – a hairy man could double as a carpet. Classic. The first of the two has a little more to it.
The patient thinks he’s in a much warmer place and needs to make sure by having the tale-teller count backward from one hundred. How that would actually prove he isn’t the devil escapes us. We’re pretty sure the Bible doesn’t mention Satan’s math skills anywhere.
Gordon Ramsay Would be Ashamed
When we’re put under by some of that sweet knockout gas, our brains take a step back toward childhood and start to move in much simpler ways. For instance, this person asked for a peanut butter steak, which isn’t served anywhere that we can think of. Maybe some fancy places in Chicago or something like that, but no self-respecting steakhouse is going to offer steak with a side of peanut butter.
DESPITE how good that sounds. Actually, peanut butter is becoming a more common burger topping. Maybe it will reach over to steak before long, too.
At Least There Was No Iceberg
Here’s an interesting piece of this story: we don’t know if this patient is a male or a female. One might be led to believe it was a woman since it was certainly a female who said the famous line from the movie “Titanic.”
On the other hand, it’s way funnier to imagine a dude saying this while losing his grip on reality in a hospital. Thankfully, Jack never painted anybody in such a position, no matter how much they asked. Why the patient thought it was necessary to leave this line floating in midair is something that will never be answered.
Oh, Yeah, I Was Totally Asleep
Was this person REALLY under the influence of anesthesia, or was he just taking the chance to show off some of his smooth moves on those pretty nurses? If that was all he had to offer in the way of a silver tongue, we hope that he was actually asleep, because we don’t think that’s going to convince anyone.
Then again, if he was asleep and he was still taking the opportunity to make his move, we have to give him props. Most people can’t even be charming when they’re fully awake. We’re also assuming this was a man and that the nurses were women, but it could have been the other way around, too.
A Case of Mistaken Identity
We all know and love Freddie Mercury, the unstoppable lead singer, and writer for the band “Queen.” Even people from northern Ireland know who he is. Mercury sadly died all the way back in 1991. So despite what this old woman was led to believe, he probably wasn’t working as an anesthetist at any point in the last three decades.
Especially since the person in question looked nothing like Freddie Mercury. Still, the patient knew what to do. Some say she is still singing.
Requesting Permission to Board
“Going to space” is one of the many funny euphemisms we have for going on the goofy juice. This patient took it a little too literally when he woke up under the impression he was the captain of his own private trip to the stars.
Also present (maybe unfortunately, we don’t know) was his mother-in-law, and we wonder how quickly she was able to come up with an answer to his question. Our hope is she saluted and introduced herself as his new XO, and they needed to move quickly – something is strange in Farpoint and they need to figure it out.
He’s a Charmer
The thing about anesthesia is it sort of…unlocks us. It releases our inhibitions and gives us the chance to say the real truth, the one we’ve been hiding this whole time. For the most part, this is terrible.
The patient from this story made sure his nurse knew she was beautiful. It was a little embarrassing for her, but she seems to have appreciated it nonetheless. Still, that’s the kind of story that sticks with you if your coworkers are of a certain type.
A Natural-Born Comedian
One thing about anesthesia that’s pretty commonly known is that it does a number on your short-term memory. People will wake up and have family members or friends tell them they were talking about something totally off-the-wall without ever knowing it. This patient had no such problem.
We don’t actually know what the joke is, though, and that’s a real tragedy. A joke so good it sticks in someone’s mind through an entire surgery? We must know. It could be the greatest of all time.
A Treasure Trove of Anesthesia Fun
This poor guy will have to be careful the next time he goes under the knife. Not only did he deliver a dose of confusion about his wrestling class, but he also couldn’t let the pride of his people just sit in the lonely frozen food section.
Thankfully everything ended up fine here – the teacher might not have been able to get onto the mat, but he could probably still teach if he was allowed to go home right away. He also probably got some tasty ice cream to enjoy at home!
Drawing Under the Influence
When our minds are reeling, we often will latch on to the first random thing that comes to mind, like a song or a picture of something. Often we come to dislike that thing. Imagine if you had a stress dream about whales – you’d probably find whales dropping on your “favorite animals” list.
So this young man grabs a piece of paper and draws the first thing that comes to mind. Mustard. Was he thinking about the only right and proper condiment to add to a cheeseburger, or was he having a mustard-related nightmare? Guess we’ll never know.
Trust Her, She’s a Doctor
While they do require similar amounts of schooling, lawyers and doctors are quite different. Our doctor friends confirm it, but the lawyers we know are still deliberating. The man who went under in this story temporarily got them mixed up, stating his wife knew all about what the doctors were telling him. She didn’t unless they did a surgery that had to do with tort reform.
No matter how smart lawyers might be, they don’t know everything. The knowledge that doctors possess is intense, so even those who can grasp complicated concepts easily will miss a lot. This lawyer probably did.
Was There Anything Else?
So the lady has tennis elbow, we got that. And yeah, that is a relatively serious medical condition – it can affect a person during many day-to-day tasks and provide a lot of pain, even if there’s no tennis involved.
But…it has to do with a tendon in the elbow. If someone needs to know about all the medical history, it’s a footnote. Maybe an important one, if someone has work done on the arm, but for most things, it doesn’t mean much. Surely there’s more to talk about, Mom? No, just the tennis elbow? Okay then, just the tennis elbow.
Seems Kind of Unnecessary
Going under before a surgery wreaks havoc with your memory, but it isn’t always so cut and dry. Anesthesiologists are highly trained to do things the right way, but sometimes someone just needs a little bit more to actually fall asleep. The doctor thought he could get away with a crack at this person’s weight and get off Scot-free, but luck wasn’t in his favor this time.
It’s possible that the patient in question gave the doctor a ribbing afterward, but our guess is he or she was just happy to be done with the surgery.
An Unconscious Ten Count
Now that’s the way to start a story about anesthesia. This one is a rollercoaster from start to finish. It’s just so much fun! The nurse probably wasn’t expecting a takedown move, but it’s still pretty impressive that this junior high wrestler was able to successfully down his opponent. Especially while not all there.
Lots of different possibilities went through our heads when we read “on top of a nurse,” but this was not one of the options we had first considered. Everything turned out all right in the end, however, and everybody got a funny story to tell about it.
That Will Help the Yelp Score
A lot can go wrong in a hospital, but a lot can go right, too. Thing is, the bad stuff that happens is newsworthy, and the good stuff that happens is still usually about surgeries or illnesses, so the patients don’t really want to dwell on them too much. It’s a lose-lose for hospitals a lot of the time.
In that case, they were probably pretty thankful for this guy, who was all about trumpeting the success of the doctors in putting his leg back together. He might have slapped one of the doctors a little too hard, but he was probably fine.
Then the Germs Can’t Get Me
This is one rule that everyone knows. If food has fallen on the floor (and it isn’t, like, soup) then you can safely pick it up and eat it if fewer than five seconds have passed.
In reality, germs and other gross things on the floor don’t work like that, but we can let it slide. Since people can sometimes still move even when put under, many procedures have them strapped. This patient was still aware enough to remind the doctors that as long as he or she is on the ground for fewer than five seconds, it was still safe to…do surgery, we guess.
Getting That Second Left Foot Removed
That’s all we have for this story, so we get to put on our thinking caps and come up with some explanation or details for this. Some people blurt out their big secrets when they’re put under, some people talk nonsense to their doctors, and some people just mumble incoherently, but it takes a true glowing spirit to admit you just want to dance.
We have to believe the hospital staff wasn’t about to let someone get up and cut a rug right before or after a big operation. At least the patient was kind enough to give the nurses fair warning.
Just Keep Swimming
Ah, the universal constant. Shark dreams. Our brains do some silly stuff when they’re asleep – even more so when we’ve been put under by chemical cocktails and then subjected to surgeries. This person’s mind retreated to the inky depths of the ocean to pretend to be an apex predator for a little while as the doctors did their job.
He might have been sad to wake up and find he only has one set of teeth, but the people in the ward around him were probably pleased. He didn’t get to keep being a shark, but at least he was pleasant about it, too.
They’re Getting All Soggy
Wisdom teeth removal gifts us with wonderful stories. Different parts of the brain wake up at different speeds, which is why we get so many stories of people saying goofy stuff. Their mouths and the speaking parts of their brains wake up before the “I will remember this and know what I’m talking about” parts.
In this story, what likely happened was muscle control hadn’t restored itself just yet, so the patient couldn’t move them. His or her tired mind translated this to “bones wet.” When things are wet, you dry them off with a napkin. It all makes so much sense.
Well, Go On. Heal.
We didn’t know that about ninjas. Is that true? Hold on, let us ask our ninja friends. Oh wait, we don’t have any because they aren’t around anymore. For some reason, however, this statement got the nurse to let him try to go home.
Though, we have the sneaking suspicion that she knew what would happen. Sometimes even ninjas need time to rest. She should have said that coming out of an anesthetic isn’t healing, it’s the wearing-off of its effects on the body. Would he have accepted that answer? Probably not, but it was worth a shot.
Good Taste From the Very Beginning
Can’t say we’ve ever heard the artist Uncle Kracker, but if he elicits this kind of response, we’ll pass, thanks. This woman didn’t want the first song her child to hear to be this one, but what would be a better choice?
Something classic, such as “Bridge Over Troubled Water” by Simon and Garfunkel? Maybe beautiful and sweet like any of the wonderful versions of “La Vie En Rose”? Louis Armstrong’s unforgettable “What a Wonderful World,” perhaps. There are lots of options, and many of them are better than Uncle Kracker. We listened to a few. It’s not baby-birthing music.
Perfect Timing in the Worst of Situations
“Game of Thrones” has become a cultural touchstone more powerful than most other things, except for maybe the big classics like Star Wars or Marvel. Everybody knows a little bit about it, and there are even people who know it well enough, such as the case with this patient, to quote lines even while about to pass out.
We also want to give props to the patient for timing it oh so perfectly, bringing the house down without even being awake to see it. A true legend.
A Student of the Brass
Really, if this person had been inside a saxophone before, we’d have a much more interesting story to tell. As it is, it was just her tired brain connecting two disparate things and turning them into one.
For some reason, the only thing on her mind was jazz music, and maybe that meshed with the fact that she would have to wait to recover in the hospital room, thus concluding that she was inside a sax. All things considered, that’s the kind of out-of-the-box thinking that can really help someone get ahead in life.
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