At this point, many of us might have at least a passing familiarity with what’s formally known as the “ancient astronaut theory,” especially if we’ve caught wind of the History channel’s “Ancient Aliens” show. The show is ridonkulous but admittedly creative, imagination-inspiring, great with popcorn, and definitely casts doubt on the History channel’s name. Plus, in one episode, some spaceships shoot dinosaurs (Season 4, Episode 10, per IMDb). And we’ve got all those sweet aliens memes vis a vis Mr. “It Was Aliens” himself (and his hair), Giorgio Tsoukalos. 

The gist of the ancient astronaut theory is this: Aliens visited humanity in the remote past and dabbled with our genetics, taught us how to make fire, fashion tools, etc. Ancient myths about gods and tricksters are actually tales of literal aliens. So all those sophisticated, awe-inspiring monuments like, say, the Pyramids of Giza? They’re just too awesome, so aliens built them, not some “primitive” human louts. The theory — and its vanguard History channel show — rely on a priori reasoning, anecdotal and circumstantial evidence, and embody the adage, “The absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence.”

Besides such glaring issues, ancient astronaut theory exudes the rather arrogant assumption that our ancestors were somehow stumbling around the wilderness chewing on rocks just because Steve Jobs hadn’t launched the iPhone yet. But let’s test things. Who’s more ingenious: a survivalist ancestor from 50,000 B.C.E. who scrabbled every day to live using stone axes, or a dude who orders delivery from Uber Eats?  

Author Erik von Däniken popularized ancient astronaut theory

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Astronomical alignment on the Giza plateau

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A site of spiritual transformation and literal teleportation

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So what do proponents of the alien-pyramid connection say is the purpose of the structures? If aliens built the pyramids, the question is: why? Well (deep breath): they’re batteries. That is, as the Daily Express overviews, the pyramids are giant electrical power sources. There’s water underneath, something-something-electromagnetism, and presto: the pyramids were power-charging stations for spacecraft. Or they’re “interdimensional” portals (second dimension here we come), as an “Ancient Aliens” excerpt on YouTube explains, because of something-something force field. Or, more abstractly (and believably), the pyramids were sites of initiation for a priestly class, not only tombs for pharaohs like Khufu of ancient Egypt’s fourth dynasty. Some folks travel to the pyramids to this day seeking such “spiritual transformation,” as NBC News cites. 

But again: How does such speculation lead to aliens? Just like the Orion Constellation Theory, it doesn’t. And yet, folks like Elon Musk have apparently jumped on board the ancient alien astronaut theory, as evidenced by a (perhaps facetious) 2020 tweet. Interestingly, Egyptian Minister of International Cooperation Rania A. Al Mashat sent a polite reply. 

Of course, there’s an allure to the pyramids that begs for explanation. The grandeur, the scope, the evidence of devotion and labor. Many of us couldn’t be bothered to make avocado toast at lunch. What’s truly awe-inspiring is what beliefs and powers drove our forbears to follow through on such a seeming-impossible project. Giving credit to aliens is something of an insult, to say the least.