The Real Reason Doomsday Preppers Stockpile So Many Condoms
In 1736, Ben Franklin convinced flame-plagued Philadelphians to establish a volunteer fire department by telling them, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” Of course, some things in life can’t be prevented, such as death and taxes. Perhaps human civilization will go out in a blaze of glory as well — one that no hose can extinguish and which even Smokey the Bear can’t help us prevent. If worse comes to worst, it helps to be prepared, which is why a collection of people with doom and gloom on their minds are collecting vital items in anticipation of the apocalypse.
The list of doomsday essentials includes lipstick, which could help you start the fires Ben Franklin and Smokey the Bear wanted to prevent, and baking soda, which will help you put out the fires you started. But if you’re looking to get the best bang for your survival buck, condoms are hard to beat.
Use condoms for safe hydration
You might be asking, “What good do condoms do when doomsday is already screwing you?” Luckily, the Prepper Journal published a handy list of ways condoms can do your body good. One of the most essential needs they can meet is keeping you hydrated. A single condom can hold up to two liters of water, as anyone who’s ever had a condom water balloon fight can probably tell you. Obviously, condoms break, which is where some babies come from. But you can protect your latex water container by putting it in a sock with the open end tied around a pencil, which sort of makes your sock a condom for condoms.
Heat, slay, love
Drinking from a condom sounds awkward, so if you’d rather find another use for your latex lifesaver, you can shove some fungus in it instead. We’re not talking about a dude’s flesh mushroom but rather the bracket fungus, which, again according to the Prepper Journal can be used to start fires. In wet conditions, the condom will keep it dry. And since latex burns well, you can cook with your love glove, too. Speaking of gloves, you can wear condoms on your hands like an actual latex glove.
A condom’s elasticity makes it a useful tool for hunting food or killing giants, because you can convert condoms into slingshots. And if you have a shotgun, you can cover the muzzle with your condom. Even if you don’t hunt, a post on Medium.com notes that condoms can provide much-needed friction for opening jars of food and serve as a trash bag for your litter. Best of all, if you get lonely, you can inflate your condom, draw a face on it, and pretend it’s a friend — safe in the knowledge that even if you become more than friends, that condom will never get you pregnant.
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