Cats All Over the Screen; If Cats Could Text, What Would They Send?
My Own Special Diet
Little Mittens seems to have developed a taste for Grandma’s cooking. But don’t we all? The love and care that’s poured into dishes are unparalleled. It’s difficult to replicate. Mittens will agree.
And she wants more of it, more regularly. The owner is not so easily persuaded. Looks like tinned fish and dry cat food are staying on the menu!
When You’ve Gotta Go, You’ve Gotta Go!
Look, when a cat has gotta go, a cat’s gotta go. Human etiquette stops us from just pooping where we feel like it, but for cats, it’s a different story altogether. Fluffy clearly didn’t want to er…empty out in their litter box. Instead, Fluffy chose a spot that the owner was simply mortified by.
But in Fluffy’s defense, the owner hasn’t cleaned their litter box. And if it’s full, you’re not going to keep going back there right? It just makes sense!
Mmmm…delicious q-tip. So, so, so DELICIOUS. Okay, before you start throwing up, let’s give you some context. Actually, there is no context — it’s pretty feral.
Being cats, maybe there’s something nice about the cotton…and the flavor…okay we’re going to stop right there. While the owner groans, Jackson strikes back with a witty, cutting comment. Ooooh.
God Save the Queen
Okay, this one actually had us in stitches. It also makes us think that Mittens is British, read: horrid woman. Mittens is clearly not a fan of its owner’s sister and delivers a whole new level of judgment.
But hidden in the snarky attitude is a plea: to not be the brunt of a joke and put into the sailor suit. The horror!
Hit the Panic Button
When you read “come home…emergency,” it’s panic stations, right? And when it’s your best friend (well, you might think they’re your best friend — at best, you’re an acquaintance), you’ll rush over there, right? Not this sassy owner.
Mittens desperately attempts to get the attention of her owner, as her food bowl is “half empty.” But the owner is having absolutely none of it!
Man V Food
So if you were going to put your money on a human or a cat in a food challenge — you’d be on the human right? But somehow Buster thinks that the REAL food challenge would be if a human had to eat a whole bowl of cat food.
Human food is easy to wolf down right, but cat food…well…that’s another story altogether. So Andy, if you’re reading this — Buster has called you out!
Dreams Dreams Dreams
This little kitty decided that it was having a really nice dream about taking a nice nap on a cloud. But funnily enough, it was not a cloud. Apparently, it was…someone’s stomach.
And that someone? The pet dog, Earl. Pretty cute that they have a nice relationship — no cat and dog chasing.
The Rapping Cat
Who says cats can’t rap? Well, Jackson has thought long and hard about it and he’s come to the conclusion that he ticks all the boxes that would make him a credible rapper. He’s got that “street cred” and because he’s a rescue he’s done the hard yards.
He also then throws some shade at Iggy Azalea — that even with her name she managed to be successful. We will be watching Jackson’s budding career with a keen interest in #gangstersiamese.
Cats can perform tracheotomies apparently. Maybe your cat can’t, but Jackson can. Jackson’s comment comes out of love rather than malice — he’s worried his owner can’t breathe because of the awful snoring. It’s so bad it’s keeping up poor Mr. kitty cat!
We suspect that the cat has this newfound vocabulary through watching a rather addictive TV series…”Grey’s Anatomy.” While the owner doesn’t want to have cat surgery, Jackson decides to play doctor on a poor squirrel.
Is it just this cat, or are all cats this dramatic? Mittens seems to be rather parched, after having relied on the leaking kitchen sink for a convenient drink. Water just tastes better when it’s flowing, rather than when it’s just sitting in your bowl.
So why on earth would the owner decide to fix a perfectly useful drinking source? Dying of thirst, Mittens says her goodbyes because her owner doesn’t seem to care.
A Cats Kind of Lawyer
What would you do if you saw the image below at your place? Scream? Throw your phone? Or calmly send a photo of it to the person you think is responsible. Okay, maybe cats aren’t people, but the owner is definitely accusing.
Upon sending the photo, Fluffy responds that they’d like a lawyer. In this universe there is definitely representation available — so guess Fluffy will need to call his…clawyer.
Mittens does the valiant thing and tells her owner that a doodle has been done, by someone other than herself, outside the catbox. You’d think that it wouldn’t be too hard to miss, especially if there is an assigned area — but it was too much hassle for Mittens.
At least she told her owner right — even if the joke was missed.
Mirror Mirror on the Wall
It sounds like Mittens may be going a little senile! Apparently, Mittens is fifteen years old, which, in cat years, is equivalent to 76 years! Maybe we should call her Grandcat Mittens.
But our feline friend doesn’t seem too upset at her age, rather being more impressed at her own wisdom. The mirror image Mittens sees suggests that she’s looking a little ragged!
Mittens has a new ploy to get her owner to come home. Not to play, but to bring their package inside. Thoughtful, right? Well, cats are only thoughtful when it also has the dual purpose of serving their needs too.
In this case, Mittens just wants the box. This time Amish thugs are on the prowl…apparently.
Get of the Counter
We thought cats had a good hearing but clearly, it runs in the family! This time the owner of our favorite cat detects a disturbance…in the force. By way of Mittens being on the kitchen counter.
Mittens protests the accusation, and claims her owner has “tinnitus.” The owner clearly knows what Mittens is up to. Owner-1, Mittens -0.
Seems kinda strange that a cat wants attention from its owner… oh wait, it’s two o’clock in the morning. Sounds about right. Our perfectly sassy kitty demands to be played with, even if her owner was fast asleep.
But while Mittens thinks she has the upper hand, the owner closes the door. Looks like there will be no late-night zoomies for Mittens.
Lions & Lionesses
Okay so…it seems that Mittens is extremely sassy. Which would explain why these text exchanges were created by her owner, to begin with.
Don’t come for us. Also rude of the owner to say she can’t grow a mane — though, physically, she actually can’t. Poor Mittens.
You Just Call Out My Friend
Sometimes there are just burning questions that not even we have the answer to. Like, how to get wax out of fur. Do you know? We don’t, but Buster would love to know. But hey, he’s kind of….stuck in a bit of a mess right now, and it’s his own doing.
As a cat, he should know the effects of catnip, right? Like how it makes you do wild things and maybe your reflexes just aren’t as good. Hence his situation now.
It seems that Mittens has been doing some recon work on Facebook. A particularly unsightly photo taken of Mittens has made its way onto the internet, and she isn’t having a bar of it. The picture in question? Mittens in a gnome outfit.
The owner must have promised some really good treats for Mittens to agree to that one, eh? But don’t worry, the crafty cat has an ace: the dreaded booze cruise photo. We want to see that one!
In the Name of Fashion
Ah, Fluffy. It seems that while they and their owner share some loving moments together during their day, once guests or visitors are over, all of those moments are quickly forgotten. Fluffy has been locked away in a room to ensure they don’t get up to any mischief while people are over.
The owner’s guest was clearly scarred from last time (quite literally). But Fluffy protests, and says it was all in the name of fashion! Some people just can’t be told — but if a cat destroys your sweater, that’s a really big hint, isn’t it?
Honestly, this cat seems so high-maintenance, we’re wondering why cat owners are well, cat owners. In a slew of attention-seeking texts, Mittens sends an early text asking for food.
We suppose it was nice of Mittens to even ask. But it seems her grumbling stomach is causing her to become rather impatient.
Three Blind Mice
Nothing quite says love like a dead mouse, right? Okay, maybe not to us humans, but to the meowing furball called Mittens, it’s akin to a bunch of flowers. Sassy cat strikes back by informing their owner that a mouse has been deposited…in their bed, specifically on their pillow.
Not fantastic placement, though Mittens disagrees. Why wouldn’t you want a tasty treat right in your bedroom? Snacks for midnight, right?
Fly Fly Away
It’s cat versus bug in this edition of things your cat would text if they could. It also seems that Buster has a lot of time on its hands — enough to spend two hours of its day “stalking” a fly.
Not exactly a cat’s usual prey, but hey, if it moves, a cat wants to capture it. Probably better it was a fly and not a mouse, right? Plot twist though, it’s not a fly. It’s a… nail.
Take a Shower
Poor Mittens! Seems like our sassy cat has gotten herself into a… sticky situation. Mittens likes to feign independence and resourcefulness but..when push comes to scratch, Mittens is a bit helpless!
Human help however is not immediately available — at which point the cat takes a swipe, calling them “pasty.” Reow!
A Present for You
There’s a way to politely ask for money, and then there’s a way to demand it as your cat would. Or maybe your child. But the part that cracks us up is the fact that it’s because the cat wants to “get…a fondue fountain.” SUUUUUURE.
However, Mittens’ human cuts straight through the ploy, knowing it’s for the large cardboard box. Cat persists, however, and cat will probably win.
What Is Your Middle Name?
So apparently cats get FOMO on human name-calling. This time Buster wants…not food, not his own island, but…a middle name. Seems like a crazy request — or a legitimate one if you really love your cat.
But the reason Buster wants one is because he’s under the impression his fellow house cat Jackson has one — just read the rest of this text for context. It should make you chuckle.
What’s for Dinner Tonight?
Any food that’s left out is obviously going to be inspected because it could be sustenance for a kitty cat, right? So really it’s a fair game, right? Even if it’s for dinner tonight, Mittens doesn’t care.
Mittens wants food. And even in Spanish. Nothing says hunger more than switching languages to really bring their point home.
Jackson has been watching a fair bit of television it seems. His latest series that he’s been bingeing? “My Crazy Cat from Hell,” with the show’s star being able to apparently tame any wild feline.
Jackson thinks he could put the host to shame or at least test his ability. But Jackson’s owner seems to be in denial about that. That’s when Jackson hits his owner with the “oh no?” Not looking forward to that conversation later!
Screwing a Light bulb
This text from Buster opens with a riddle — or maybe a silly question. Whatever way you spin it, it’s definitely got us intrigued. But it’s more of a trick question than anything — though the owner is well versed in cat speak and knows it’s better to give an answer.
Buster retorts smugly and basically asserts dominance over humans. The end.
Blow Your Fan Away
Buster is…possibly mildly afraid of his current placement. You know, on the fan. Like, on top of the blades of the ceiling fan. We’re surprised he didn’t break it or fall off.
And while he is perched atop a high place, he also manages to whip out his phone and text his owner. This time the owner actually feels sorry for Buster and decides to go to his rescue. Looks like the usually uncaring owner does have a heart!
Not on My Watch?
What is the deal with cats and shiny things? Birds too, right? There is something about the allure of how the light is reflected off an object, making it twinkle. For Jackson, it means he must have it.
But Jackson’s owner is a little fed up with Jackson’s continual breaking of objects. It would start to get pretty costly if every dangling object (likely to be expensive) is getting swiped at and broken every time, right?
The Magic Show?
Jackson seems to have a keen sense of humor. Either that or cat humor and dad humor are the same. Jackson opens this series of texting with a rhetorical question — and the owner is baited.
The cat is probably a little overweight but is happy to continue to work his magic in helping cat treats disappear. Bless his cotton socks.
Awwww, what a sweet kitty, wishing their owner happy returns on their birthday. But in true cat form, Buster turns the table on the conversation, going quickly from niceties to…”so…what’s my present.” Typical, right? Buster, though, has a present for his owner.
It’s not what you’d expect…or maybe it is. Something that is on the floor, in the bedroom, and the owner is yet to see what it is. Happy Birthday!
It’s Time for Fine Arts
Mittens seems to have an eye for the arts — fine arts at that. They decided it would be a great idea to log on to their owner’s Instagram and post a photo from their collection.
The photo, you ask? Oh, just one of a neighbor’s dogs licking their private region. Nice. In Mittens’ words “but it’s in sepia!”
Fluffy’s owner has a question for their cat and it’s, “whatchu looking at?” Fluffy gives a detailed description of their prey — and really, would you expect anything less from a hunter?
Cats are known for their vision and careful stalking. Seems to be a worthwhile mission — he might just catch a bird. But he is inside, and probably not going to be quick enough. Sad meow.
Bread & Butter
Cats are notorious for swiping things off of the kitchen counter. Maybe it’s a space thing, a territory thing, or, well, just a cat thing. Our bird-owning friends have told us similar stories!
This time, it’s Mittens versus bread and butter. Seemingly harmless, right? Anywho, at least Mittens is courteous enough to let her owner know before dinner time.
There must be something super fascinating about humans when they’re in a seemingly vulnerable position. Because that’s prime viewing time for cats. Must be like going to the theatre or watching a street performer. Fluffy alerts its owner of their presence, while the said owner is on the toilet.
But Fluffy doesn’t get enjoyment out of it in the way the owner thinks — it’s payback more than anything else. Fluffy doesn’t enjoy being watched while they’re doing their business either!
Imagine poor Mittens upon finding out she has carpal tunnel. Devastating right? Not because it means they can’t scratch their pole or play ‘let’s swipe everything off the counter’, but so they can text.
Imagine a world without cat texts — we don’t want to be in that world! We’d also run out of things to write if Mittens couldn’t type — so get well soon!
Trick or Treat
Do you hide treats from your cat? It’s absolutely abhorrent! Mittens would agree. But it’s not because of the chips the owner is rifling through, it’s because of the bag.
Mittens expects every single crinkly bag to be for her. Because every piece of packaging must be played with. Not an unimaginable request tbh.
Move It Move It
Talk about walking in on the wrong conversation. Well, not exactly the case here — more that Fluffy is trying to get the attention of the neighbor’s cat…or try and court the neighbor’s cat. Pretty hilarious to be honest. Fluffy is er…in a position that makes most humans look away and give privacy to their feline companion.
Not quite sure what to make of the mistakenly sent photo, Fluffy recovers and basically says “move along.” Don’t get mixed up in a cat’s business.
What’s Going on With Fluffy?
Fluffy is a clever kitty that’s for sure. Fluffy knows when something just isn’t right. But the questioning seems a bit off to their owner — why would Fluffy ask if there’s another cat? Clearly Fluffy is seeing things.
And the owner doesn’t let them forget it. Ten minutes seem to be a long time to decide if something is real or not. Maybe Fluffy is going senile, or maybe Fluffy is just very very confused (or has an upset stomach).
Can Fish Drown?
If cats can text, then fish can drown and die. Seems like it would occur in the same universe right? In this episode of Jackson texting his owner, the cat sadly informs their owner that their fish has died.
It was simply minding its own business in its tank, but it seemed to have suffered an underwater heart attack and died. Either that or…the cat did it.
Let’s start off with some meow-ling laughter, because geez…we’re talking about cat poop! Mittens seem to have a flexibility issue, and it could be due to the fact she’s been hanging around the kitchen a lot lately.
But the human owner is just as sharp! They’re sassy, so very matter-of-fact, and let’s face it, it’s exactly what you’d reply to your plump cat.
It seems that Christmas is the most loathed or most loved holiday that humans celebrate — in terms of how cats perceive it. Jackson does nothing but protest on a good day, so it makes sense that he’d be mad that there are a number of boxes under the Christmas tree that require unwrapping and jumping inside of — and he can’t have any of them.
Well, not yet anyway. The owner, however, has no pity whatsoever on its cat.
Mittens is showing some unusual love for her owner. Yes well, it’s probably the closest thing to cat love that we can think of, and it’s in a form that you may not expect. What form, you ask? Staring at her human owner in the bathroom.
Cute, right? A little invasive, maybe. But hey, when you have a cat, expect the unexpected. And don’t expect an ounce of privacy.
Overpopularity or What?
Neutering. Not a fun subject for whoever has been neutered, right? Mittens acts like an adopted child upon finding out that his right to bear kittens has been taken away. But it’s for the responsible purpose of keeping cats from overpopulating. That’s a worthy cause, right?
Still, Mittens is not happy and just wanted the chance to …have a date. This certainly is a touchy subject.
Take a Nap
Okay, have you ever been hit with the “you never loved me,” before? Like, not from a cat? It’s the cruelest blow, with the sharpest set of claws. Mittens are back with more, pining to their owner to go and chase squirrels.
The owner doesn’t seem to be fazed at all, and that’s when they get hit with the YNLM. Reow.
Gestures of Love
Fluffy is a cat of pictures rather than words — and this time it’s a real treat — maybe for Fluffy rather than the owner. There aren’t many ways that a cat can show love and affection for its owner — but this is definitely a testament to its care. A dead mouse. Lovely.
While the owner doesn’t seem too pleased about the dead mouse awaiting them, Fluffy is taken aback by their owner’s disgust. It’s a shame that humans just don’t understand a loving gesture.
Talk about having a penchant for drama, Mittens is back with more complaints. Well, not a complaint, more an attempt on its life. There’s a monster in the neighborhood and Mittens is very fearful for its wellbeing.
But the monster isn’t under the bed, it’s actually just the neighbor’s lawnmower. Despite Mittens being inside and perched at the window, the texts sound almost desperate. Poor kitty.
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